A Smoky Christmas to All & to All a Good Night by Tommy Zman
It’s two days ‘til Christmas and I hope all you boys and girls have been good this year, because Santa wants to bring you a lot of cigars from various tobacco producing nations that hail from beneath the equator. You know, you actually never hear about it, but Santa is indeed one hell of a Brother of the Leaf, a ten-a-day stogiephile with a prolific collection of gars that would round out an elf’s ears!
We all know that it wouldn’t be politically correct to spread the word that Santa loves his hand rolled happy sticks, but it’s true that the old dude is an aficionado from way back. The guy loves dark, full-bodied sticks, with an affinity towards, JR Alternative Edicion Limitada Behike, Frank Llaneza 1961, La Finca, and any El rey del Mundo Maduro. Remember when you used to see pictures of Saint Nick smoking a pipe? Well, that’s all his public relations spinsters wanted people to see at the time, but now the image of Santa enjoying tobacco of any kind is one hell of a no-no, and the U.S government has made sure that the tubby s.o.b. is always seen tobacco free.
The jolly old soul is basically a freak for a good smoke and it has been said on Christmas Eve alone, that Mr. Kringle has consumed more than a thousand premium sticks between take off and return to the North Pole. Sure, it’s a feat that would likely kill you and I, but hey, we’re talking about the man of magic, here, a guy who can visit 3.7 billion homes within 24 hours, land a giant sled pulled by reindeer on every roof top, slide his bulbous body down a thin chimney when a fire is lit, leave a crap load of presents (claiming that his elves made them), then gets the fug out and move on to the next abode. Of course it’s all very believable and it’s not only a wonder, but a damned shame that children ever stop believing. Hey, the story makes perfect sense to me and I’m sure it does to you too.
Now don’t any of you believe in that cookies and milk b.s. It’s a little known fact, but Santa is lactose intolerant and his cholesterol and triglycerides have been a friggin mess for years, as you might imagine. But there’s nothing that obese bastid loves more than finding a Nicaraguan puro by the fire place with a pour of single malt to keep him warm for his journey through Scandinavia and the Russian Front. And for you people in the U.S. southeast, a belt of your best bourbon will keep the man’s cheeks rosy thru fifteen states.
It’s hard for me to recall when I actually stopped asking for a pony and a bike and started asking for Punch Grand Cru #2 and LA Gloria Cubana Serie R, but I’m damned glad that my tastes changed upon growing up. I’m still undecided on what to smoke on Christmas Eve and day, but something tells me that there can’t be a wrong choice. Months ago I emailed the big man, asking for a plethora of tobacco laden goodies, and if I get even half my list, it’s gonna be a great start to the new year.
I know I speak for everyone here at JR CIGARS when I wish you a terrific holiday with family and friends, with hopes that Mr. Claus leaves a leafy bounty under your tree. So, a big-ash Merry Christmas from the Zman… and if you happened to be of the Hebrew faith, well, enjoy the movies and Chinese food this Sunday!
Ho, Ho, Ho, and Smoke ‘em Cuz ya Gottem,
JR Cigars Blog with the Zman